Update

Dealing with the aftermath of this miscarriage (on July 27) has been totally different than the one I had in October.  The last time this happened to me, I was back out in the public just 3 days later - and I was doing my regular day-to-day thing a week later.

This time, not so much.
I think it has a lot to do with how things happened - finding out that there wasn't a heartbeat, and getting on a plane the next day anyways, only to lose the baby during a layover at the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport. (Horrific!  See poem below.)

Today is one of my good days.  I've been able to have lunch out with Nick, and go to the grocery store, for the first time since being in Michigan, and I was ok!  Yesterday was probably the worst day I've had.  I spent the entire day in bed, and a lot of my waking hours in tears.  Sometimes when I'm crying, I'm thinking about our baby that didn't make it, but a lot of the time I'm just feeling sad/depressed/hopeless/out of control.  One of the hardest things that I'm experiencing is this feeling of being strapped into a hormonal roller coaster of intense emotions.  I can't seem to stop it or compartmentalize like usual.  I am being forced to confront it all, ready or not.

I made a list of my symptoms today to see them all written out in front of me.  If things don't start looking up pretty soon then, according to the research I've done online, I will be officially 'clinically depressed.'  Hopefully, today is the start of a turn-around.  I'm trying to not overdo it though, still trying to take it easy - one thing at a time.

You Came Way Too Soon

I just keep thinking of that moment in the airport (minneapolis/st. paul)
when i saw my sweet sticky bean for the 1st and last time
What was I supposed to do?

I dug you out of the toilet to say goodbye
and then I flushed you away--
washed my hands real good.

I've almost stopped bleeding, or I should say
the blood flow has almost stopped.
Bleeding is another story...

Why did this happen, again?
Is it my fault?
I guess I should've gone to the doctor -
got my bloodwork done like a good little girl.

All I wanted was a home birth;
a healthy pregnancy.

You came Way Too Soon.

time passes...

well and it has been a while since i last posted a thing.
i got pregnant at the end of may.
lost the baby 2 days ago.

am wondering when our child that is going to be here to stay is going to show up in our lives.

of course then i am thinking that nick and i will have fun trying!
and that, although it is painful to lose a baby, life continues.

we're in michigan, lakefront.  things are very peaceful. 
i miss my sewing machine, but still have my violin for comfort.

here's hoping for 2011-

I think for most people, Oct. 8 was ages ago.  (That was the day I lost the baby.)  But for me, well, this is only the 2nd time I've had a period since then, and...  the sensation of monthly bleeding is similar to the sensation of losing a baby.  Not nearly as painful, thankfully, but definitely a potent physical reminder.  Also, my cycle has not yet regularized; 44 days the first time, 34 days this time... so obviously it is difficult to tell when i'm ovulating, which makes getting pregnant again a much bigger challenge than it was the 1st time.

so.
this morning was a little rough, but i got going anyways.  i have 3 days off before things start up again, and i really want to enjoy my free time.  Also i need to get rested up - work has been pretty busy/constant since october, and this tiny break is essential for my health...  so, i moped a bit, and then spent the day in the kitchen - i made pasta from scratch, and also pasta sauce from scratch.  yum!  i guess one can have a pretty crappy morning, and still end up feeling pretty good at the end of the day - thank goodness.

now that i know what's going on with my cycle, hopefully we'll do a better job of guessing when i'm ovulating.  i'm still not ready to use one of those ovulation kits - although if i'm not pregnant again soon, that will probably change.  i realized today that the one thing i want in my life right now, way more than anything else, is to have a baby!  hopefully this year, i'll get my wish.

home, sweet, (filthy) home

wow is my house dirty.  usually when i go out of town, i clean it first, at least a little, so i don't have to come home to a mess.  not so this time.  in fact, i don't remember the last time that i properly cleaned my house.  i feel like i am waking up from a fog, only to realize that my house is completely covered in some sort of film - dirt everywhere!

so.
i finally have some time off.
i'm finally feeling better, too.
so.

little by little
this will come

tonight i scrubbed one part of the tile backsplash in my kitchen.
it was just wonderful, seeing those little bits of dirt vanishing,
one by one.

health returns slowly -
but it returns.

still...

still... not pregnant
still... wanting to be pregnant

oh well.

this time, i was pretty sure that i wasn't pregnant so, the test results, while disappointing, weren't entirely surprising.  when i was pregnant that first time, i knew it about a week in - so - hopefully in january i'll be feeling that way again!  nick and i are determined to keep trying, and i will try to be positive about it.  at any rate - the effort is a good thing, right?!?

some days are sad, some are happy; but regardless, i'm not giving up hope.

processing...

we've made it to Brush Prairie for our Christmas visit.  i've come down with a cold, like i usually do when i have a few days off.  i should know by christmas if i'm pregnant or not... it turns out that after you have a miscarriage, if you don't have a D&C (which i didn't) it can take up to 6 weeks for your period to show up again.  i wish i had known that... but i guess hindsight??  i've been feeling a little bitter lately; this poem came out of me yesterday so here it is:

Why is it - that -
once a woman has given birth
she looks different?

Is it courage or
survival
that changes them?

Is is knowledge?
knowing that you can carry a baby
full-term;
that must be nice.

I used to be pro-choice.
Abortion seems like murder to me now.
Aberration thrown in the face of God -
'this child?'  nah, I don't want it -
Vaccum it out, chop it to bits if you must.

mothers--
smiling wistfully.

(babes in arm
toddlers in tow
pre-teens in miniature Uggs)

tired and drained;
arrogant.