home, sweet, (filthy) home

wow is my house dirty.  usually when i go out of town, i clean it first, at least a little, so i don't have to come home to a mess.  not so this time.  in fact, i don't remember the last time that i properly cleaned my house.  i feel like i am waking up from a fog, only to realize that my house is completely covered in some sort of film - dirt everywhere!

so.
i finally have some time off.
i'm finally feeling better, too.
so.

little by little
this will come

tonight i scrubbed one part of the tile backsplash in my kitchen.
it was just wonderful, seeing those little bits of dirt vanishing,
one by one.

health returns slowly -
but it returns.

still...

still... not pregnant
still... wanting to be pregnant

oh well.

this time, i was pretty sure that i wasn't pregnant so, the test results, while disappointing, weren't entirely surprising.  when i was pregnant that first time, i knew it about a week in - so - hopefully in january i'll be feeling that way again!  nick and i are determined to keep trying, and i will try to be positive about it.  at any rate - the effort is a good thing, right?!?

some days are sad, some are happy; but regardless, i'm not giving up hope.

processing...

we've made it to Brush Prairie for our Christmas visit.  i've come down with a cold, like i usually do when i have a few days off.  i should know by christmas if i'm pregnant or not... it turns out that after you have a miscarriage, if you don't have a D&C (which i didn't) it can take up to 6 weeks for your period to show up again.  i wish i had known that... but i guess hindsight??  i've been feeling a little bitter lately; this poem came out of me yesterday so here it is:

Why is it - that -
once a woman has given birth
she looks different?

Is it courage or
survival
that changes them?

Is is knowledge?
knowing that you can carry a baby
full-term;
that must be nice.

I used to be pro-choice.
Abortion seems like murder to me now.
Aberration thrown in the face of God -
'this child?'  nah, I don't want it -
Vaccum it out, chop it to bits if you must.

mothers--
smiling wistfully.

(babes in arm
toddlers in tow
pre-teens in miniature Uggs)

tired and drained;
arrogant.