home, sweet, (filthy) home

wow is my house dirty.  usually when i go out of town, i clean it first, at least a little, so i don't have to come home to a mess.  not so this time.  in fact, i don't remember the last time that i properly cleaned my house.  i feel like i am waking up from a fog, only to realize that my house is completely covered in some sort of film - dirt everywhere!

so.
i finally have some time off.
i'm finally feeling better, too.
so.

little by little
this will come

tonight i scrubbed one part of the tile backsplash in my kitchen.
it was just wonderful, seeing those little bits of dirt vanishing,
one by one.

health returns slowly -
but it returns.

still...

still... not pregnant
still... wanting to be pregnant

oh well.

this time, i was pretty sure that i wasn't pregnant so, the test results, while disappointing, weren't entirely surprising.  when i was pregnant that first time, i knew it about a week in - so - hopefully in january i'll be feeling that way again!  nick and i are determined to keep trying, and i will try to be positive about it.  at any rate - the effort is a good thing, right?!?

some days are sad, some are happy; but regardless, i'm not giving up hope.

processing...

we've made it to Brush Prairie for our Christmas visit.  i've come down with a cold, like i usually do when i have a few days off.  i should know by christmas if i'm pregnant or not... it turns out that after you have a miscarriage, if you don't have a D&C (which i didn't) it can take up to 6 weeks for your period to show up again.  i wish i had known that... but i guess hindsight??  i've been feeling a little bitter lately; this poem came out of me yesterday so here it is:

Why is it - that -
once a woman has given birth
she looks different?

Is it courage or
survival
that changes them?

Is is knowledge?
knowing that you can carry a baby
full-term;
that must be nice.

I used to be pro-choice.
Abortion seems like murder to me now.
Aberration thrown in the face of God -
'this child?'  nah, I don't want it -
Vaccum it out, chop it to bits if you must.

mothers--
smiling wistfully.

(babes in arm
toddlers in tow
pre-teens in miniature Uggs)

tired and drained;
arrogant.

dreams or nightmares??

so the alarm went off this morning, and brought me out of a dream - i had been holding my baby in my arms - and to wake up from this... it was so painful, almost physically.  and just last night i was telling nick and some other friends too that i thought i was doing better, could talk about babies again.  waah.
on related news, the blood test came back not pregnant, however my period still hasn't started.  i don't think i'm pregnant at this point, just wondering what in the heck is going on in my body.
enough musing.
off to practice - usually playing the violin makes me feel whole when nothing else will.

garden variety share

well and here's another post...  i'm feeling a bit better tonight after having an unexpected day off.  i do wish my students would let me know in advance, but i'm not complaining, its been wonderful.  i did a bit of sewing and reading, hung out with my hubby - who thankfully has put up with my grumpyness pretty well.  we did go to the doc this morning for a blood test to confirm that i'm not pregnant - sadly, they didn't get back to us today, so hopefully i'll be hearing from them first thing in the morning.  at this point i'm assuming that i'm not pregnant, but it will be very nice to know for sure.  of course i've been moping and procrastinating, which will mean learning my pops folder sometime tomorrow afternoon - tho it looks so easy it shouldn't be a problem (hopefully!) and if i'm really lucky my new super cute uggs will show up tomorrow :) and, i do get to go buy fabric with mom, so that should be fun... i guess i'm trying to say that things are looking up...

pregnancy tests suck

so i took the test and failed, i guess.  it said 'not pregnant.'  but, i haven't started bleeding yet.  so mom says to wait until then for sushi & drinks, and while i'm sure she's right, all i want is a strong cocktail and to check out the new sushi converyor belt place across from costco.  we'll see what happens...

waiting to exhale

well i don't know if anyone will read this, but i'd like to have a place to put some things out there so here goes.  i had a miscarriage october 8th.  we (my hubby and i) decided to start trying again right away, as both our midwife and our doctor said it was ok to do so, and we for sure wanted to.  so... my period hasn't started yet.  tomorrow is the day of the 2nd pregnancy test - the first one said not pregnant - but that could be either because i'm really not pregnant, or because i tested too soon.  when i was pregnant the first time, i had an early false negative test also, so... 
so i'm not sleeping yet and have been way anxious about this.  i think that i'll feel ok either way, either being pregnant or not - i mean obviously i'd like to be pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy, and a healthy baby; but either way is ok at this point - what's hard for me right now is just not knowing.  i'm sure it's some sort of control issue or other, but it just drives me crzay!  i told my friend dawn that if i'm not pregnant we're having drinks and sushi asap, probably at the same time - but if i am pregnant - it will be wonderful for sure and of course.
anyways...
is this strange for my very first blog post?  i guess i just wanted to have a way to put this out there, and whether anyone reads it or not, atleast these thoughts are tumbling around someplace other than my head.
here's hoping...